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  • Writer's pictureTony Da Costa

Unity is the Key (Part 3/6)

Updated: Jan 21, 2021

Author: Fabien Marchand Translated by Tony Da Costa with the permission of the author.

Unity in the self and with the world.

This third article explores more in depth the meaning of unity. We have seen it as pertaining to a twin flame person who ascends from the “ONEdividual” to two individuals creating a third individual and proper to them: the couple… The steps are undeniably to go through the exploration of the inner self in order to reveal your inner Self who will become capable of giving and receiving love from your twin. The next step to be considered is to do the same with the spheres surrounding you.

At this stage where the soul enhances itself, the differences between twin flame, sister souls, and the so-called classic soul will disappear and all face the same difficulties.

The destructive power in the self…

Certainly, you have understood, through the twin flame’s intimate and fused relationship, what the mirror effect is. This mirroring mechanism exists within everyone’s interaction with the world.

That World is the reflection of results and deductions one holds about themselves… That inducing a standing position one holds vis-à-vis the others. A reflection that is a revealer, a Polaroid, a resulting image of the future based on choices and decisions currently made choices. Dalai Lama said, “Be that what you expect the world to become,” giving the best meaning to the mirror effect.

Note that the dynamic of personal development is initially exoteric (inside the Self), progressively moving towards esotericism (outside the Self), revealing how important it is to have a solid and reliable inner structure becomes undeniable before one should consider opening himself to others.

How could one let there exist unexplored zones, empty spaces, unknown things, fears, weaknesses, doubts in the Self while expecting the world outside to make you feel reassured?

A person, whoever they may be, do not hold the power to build someone else inner Self.

And a fortiori, one should never keep such a weight over their shoulders, because even in cases where one is well intentioned and respect the others, they would eventually collapse from holding up the weight of two distinct beings, theirs and that of another person. In the event where, even if they suffer from a deficit of internal structure, they will probably apply the behavior inherent in the demonic triangle (see more below). Finally, if unconditional Love animates us all, you should never let the weight of your existence be carried by someone else.

The twin flame?

In the case of twin flames, the absence of intellectual consciousness awareness that in most cases will bring about the destruction of the couple through behaviors specific to each of the twins’ polarity. Their underlying psychological programs automatically engage.

The chaser (the awaken soul) applies with vigor and violence the principles of the demonic triangle as an attempt to provoke reactions in his twin… Being so that way, he will employ different dialogues and alternate between the roles of the executioner, the victim, but also that of the savior in the relationship with his twin. As a consequence, his behavior has a destructive effect upon the communication and balance of the couple.

The runner (the fleeting soul) employs his abilities of adaptability onto every interaction he has with any interlocutor up to going against his own will, thus applying the same mechanism as his chaser as to avoid disappointing him. But for alternating his standing position and for having fear of conflicts, he ends up adopting a method of chronic need to escape, finally choosing to keep a definitive and vital distance from his chaser, motivated by an absolute necessity to survive.


Enlightened beings can only begin to explore the world with serenity once they have explored their interiority. Listing their weaknesses, assuming their fears, they will be able to stand up and voluntarily act to compensate or definitively fix what may be handicapping them.

The intellectual consciousness keeps the memories of all experiences lived and also of the solutions found to every problem encountered, the Self can grow strong with self-confidence.

From then on, the Self know how to be resourceful and finally switch from surviving to living.

How to resist against the destructive power of the world?


It is vital that one simultaneously understand, accept, and construct his four consciousnesses. One can only achieve it by keeping a constant control over his consciousness which will allow the balance of the two currents and energies called Yin and Yang within his being. According to all the currents of holistic therapy, for one to become the master of his energies, vital energy, he must learn to maintain his energetic structure.


One needs to explore and manage his psycho-emotional balance as some specific behavioral cases of social interaction, friendship and love relationship can lead one to lose control over his structure.

The interactions of others vis-à-vis one’s ego can often take place unconsciously.

It is essentially through already-happened events that non-mastered behaviors can be induced in a person’s psyche.

The main destabilizing force to one’s psycho-emotional state, whether in terms of strength but also in terms of domino effect, is the possible existence of one or more internal types of emotional addiction.

Emotional addiction…

I have for a while hesitated to develop a paragraph on emotional addiction in other previous articles, also known as affection dependence, but it is now evident that it takes roots in relationships prior to the moment when one meets his twin flame.

There are several types of affection dependencies, multiple levels of intensity and causes.

The only common point between all those variables is the deficit of a child’s inner builds, vis-à-vis himself and his own worth, taking place during his young age.

It is possible to compare experiences that are completely different from one another, and yet, resulting in the same kind of dependence, according to whether his birth was desired or not, but also on the real reasons as for one wished to be come a parent.

Here is a non-exhausting list of evidence that may be found:

  1. The unwanted child (rejection or denial)

  2. The most wanted and pampered child (child king, spoiled by the parents, …).

  3. The replacement child (followed by the death of a brother, sister, parents)

  4. The cement child for the couple (having as a goal to prevent the husband from leaving)

  5. The transfer child (carrying fallen dreams of the parents)

  6. The offspring child (to perpetuate the family’s name)

  7. The object child (enslaved by the family often making them feel guilty)

  8. The trash can child (absorbing the parents’ malaise), etc.

Sometimes a child can be a bearer of different dependencies induced at the same time. The lack of inner build and individual consciousness of the parents can be the main cause.

Those parents can “place” their child in a sudden, restrained behavioral pattern, forcing their child to adapt to them. It is very often at the young age that a child begins the construction of what Sigmund Freud named the “faux self,” a fictional character based on parental desires and expectations, aimed at attracting their good graces and their love. “Faux self,” or “false self” or “false me,” exists in almost every emotional dependent person.

There are hundreds of parenting behaviors, mostly unconscious (and fortunately!), that can permeate the child’s Self before the child’s consciences has even been sufficiently armed with healthy foundations for they can build their true selves.

The exploration of one’s lived experiences, even really old ones, is necessary. Not for blaming their parents the responsible for the education their parents have given their children, as they would not be capable of assuming as much guilt and would frontally react, but on the contrary, it should allow those who go exploring their past to “settle them down,” with unconditional Love, internal conflict of interests that have become an evidence within the Self.

The adult and the Inner Child in Union…
The adult and the Inner Child in Union…

“One cannot go better because another takes on him the weight of my existence,” it is important to understand that relationships with parents like the examples above can be disabling for the ego in you, and consequently for the Self, which is not in any case relieving for the suffering of such parents. Worse still is that by not facing their personal problems, they cannot evolve. This is an illustration of the wheel of Samsara that says that the children’s soul who choose their parents before incarnating, having as a goal to push and support them on their karmic developments.

There will be two or more who will suffer from the same causes that the parent(s) have not dealt with as their own. It is obvious that parents who have not managed their duality and behaviors will have a strong influence over their children’s couple relationships, and obviously over their beloved ones too… and on a domino effect, they may have an influence upon their surroundings, etc.

The unconscious of a just-become young adult may drive them to leave or flee situations of enslavement, except in the case where a security need (the base of the pyramid of Maslow) was to be offered to them by any or some family member(s) … which is, namely, an obvious indicative of material and/or financial blackmailing on the part of the family.

A child who did not emancipated from his parents, a young adult now, will continue to nourish and give space to his “faux self,” attracting the good graces his social circles (friend and/or professional circle). One will grow older awhile maintaining his behavioral habits and believing them to be normal, without ever questioning their foundations.

There will be the need for one who is concerned with the “faux self” to surround himself with large numbers of “friendships,” which paradoxically he will keep them at a far enough distance, avoiding having close and intimate relations as to prevent them from seen his true self.

The fears of being discovered, judged, and rejected by others that will push one to avoid being seen as not sufficiently “lovable” and adapt to everyone else’s desires and opinions. The adaptation of a Faux-Self to a latter is almost permanent and close to a state of servitude, forcing these people to always have well-weighed words, ready, superficial beforehand dialogues, and complacent opinions to everyone… by charming the largest possible number of people, he will feel reassured about his ability to please to the largest number.

Depending on the ego of a person, he will seek to apply this attitude to society as a whole, to small groups and where he has the sense of belonging to a clan, most of the time, to a group constituted with the people he would have attracted himself.

Evidently that the quest for that multiple, superficial “social love” obviously drives him further away from his true self, which has often barely been built. Deep and true Love becomes synonymous of taking and unmanageable risk for the absence of his autonomous psycho-emotional build.

Such individual will build ramparts as to avoid any long-term love affair involvement from existing, without ever fully being aware of his own emotional sabotage.

His self-esteem, self-confidence and stability will therefore depend solely on outside opinions and judgments from others.

The elusive actor…

In the twin flame couple, this behavior can be found in one of the twins: the runner. The chaser capable of “dismantling” the “false self” and see through their twin, the runner feels insecure mainly due to being emotionally dependent of their family.

The tendency a runner has to flee their awakened twin flame can be easily understood for they have the ability to provoke in the inner child fears of being rejected and feel unloved. Contrary to runners, the chaser is nevertheless in capacity of loving their runner entirely.

For having studied many different cases of twin flame, this scheme can be verified in all runners. The moment when the runner is face to face with their twin, they find themselves obliged to decide the behavior they will employ… choose to play a role through his “false self” or reveal their true personality while risking losing their friends, acquaintances, and generally, social contacts.

That choice can be summarized as to making an ultimate choice as to be true or false to oneself and to others.

When the couple seeks to level up their relationship to a place of greater Love, the dependencies caused by the “false self” will act as an underlying program in their mind, revealing deep, buried suffering. The relationship will be neither in a short nor in a long-term impossible.

Note that after studying many twin flame cases, I found that all chasers have suffered from emotional dependence BEFORE meeting their twins, the majority having already settled their dependencies by the moment the recognition occurs.

Potentially concerns everyone…

All forms of emotional dependencies should cause destabilization in every individual.

The non-attempt to understand the causes of that instability generate doubts, questions, fears of making plans or making decisions, distrust, etc.

Paradoxically, there can be often found a non-moderated desire to have control over all imponderable in one’s own life, applicable to the professional life, social relations, material possession, physical, sexual orientation…

To some extent, the individual will have the tendency to “keep” that which he considers to be simple and comfortable: “the faux self” … stagnating in his comfort zone.

Resist against doing a profound and personal inner exploration, consequently, that resistance will turn into a source of painful realizations though proving themselves to be a necessary means for the discovery of the Self.

Case to be continued…

Author: Fabien Marchand Translated by Tony Da Costa with the permission of the author.


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